Cancer is a Full-Time Job

By Amanda Flaim

I’ve been in San Francisco since Monday, May 30th. Ali drove me over, we took care of some cancer business at UCSF. Ali flew back to Hawaii and I’m camping out in SF waiting for “Big Tuesday”.

“Big Tuesday” is a full day for me at UCSF as they fast track me on the next steps to get me closer to receiving treatment. Highlights include: breast biopsy (again), lymph node biopsies, breast MRI, labs, EKG.

I made a little presentation that I ran through with my family on a zoom call outlining what the oncologist told me that I’ll share in a separate post (with some teasers in the captions below). My sister, Ali, was in the room with me and my friend, Brian, camped out with us for the day. I felt like I had the best wingman and wingwoman!

Brian sent me an article the other day after observing how I’ve been spending my days: Sacheen Littlefeather said, “cancer is a full time job” in this very cool & interesting article below. I know I haven’t even started the hard work, but this part feels like a start-up software company job where it feels like I’m shouldering 4-5 jobs on my shoulders. I’m lucky, because I have a team of people helping me - it’s still difficult though when all I want to do is rest and when I’m not tired I want to spend time with people I love/make art/teach art/process/practice envisioning what my life could be like on the other side of this…

Article: ‘I Promised Brando I Would Not Touch His Oscar’: The Secret Life of Sacheen Littlefeather

📸 cred: Dr. Ali Flaim

Me in the exam room at UCSF oncology. I have triple negative metaplastic carcinoma. They told me I was stage 2 or 3: this is still considered “early stage breast cancer”.

The goal of the treatment right now is to cure the cancer.

The fact that they said it was early stage breast cancer and that they want to try to cure it felt encouraging.

I feel disturbed when I look at this portrait because I can see a disturbed/concerned look on my face and in my eyes. I think this accurately represents my emotional experience so far: I am very disturbed by this diagnosis and very concerned for my well-being and my life.

I’m not going to try to sugar coat things or put on some kind of front with these updates. I will write here when I feel encouraged and hopeful and I will write here when I feel discouraged and terrible and apparently I can write them both in the very same photo caption! :o)

The treatment strategy is to shrink the tumor with chemo, then do surgery (we won’t know what kind of surgery until I finish the chemo), radiation and maybe some kind of pill.

This whole process will take an estimated 9-11 months.

Right now, I’m just focusing on gearing up for chemo when it’s time: chemo will be 5 months.

This photograph is part of the Hands that Care photography project I’m working on. Chemo will launch me into menopause, so this visit was with a doctor in Reproductive Health at UCSF. I appreciated that he drew while he explained to me how chemo was going to send me into menopause, I don’t need to harvest/freeze my eggs because most of my eggs are probably bad at this age anyways. He did say he could try and help me carry a baby if I wanted to do that when I’m on the other side of treatment. So, basically, I can table this topic for a year and revisit if/when I want to. To be honest, I felt a giant sense of relief that I didn’t have to worry about fertility and that whole process before chemo. My heart goes out to all the women that do have to make a choice like this while processing a cancer diagnosis.

📸 cred: Brian A.

I’ve been staying with Brian in the city and we’ve been parallel working during the work week. This was the day after the meeting with the oncologist and the phone was ringing all day long: various doctors, nurses, a clinical trial coordinator (this is on the table for a treatment solution as well as standard treatment), friends and family.

📸 cred:: Dr. Ali Flaim

This is me in the waiting room at UCSF enjoying this nice orange chair. My fabulous hair stylist/owner of Veer & Wander made time for a special haircut session for my sister & I where we got some pampering!

I am trying to make myself look and feel good in the best way I can (with the help of my family and friends!) as I move through this. Thanks Ali for the haircut! Thank you mom for the fabulous dress!