The Cancer has Spread
It is with a heavy heart that I have to report in that this pilgrimage has taken a turn for the worse and we are heading into the woods now: the cancer has spread.
There is a new soft tissue mass behind the 2nd right rib
There is a mass on the back bottom of my right lung
There are spots on both lungs
There are three spots in my liver
We are assuming that these are all the breast cancer. I had a biopsy of the mass behind the rib last week and am gearing up to have a biopsy of my liver next week.
These developments mean a few things:
#1. I am now Stage 4 = the cancer is metastatic (it has spread)
#2. The cancer is now incurable and I will be treated for the rest of my life (or until I decide I don’t want to do anymore treatment).
Right now, I still want to get treatment.
In the meantime and while we wait for pathology reports to come back, they want to start me on a chemo that is similar to another chemo I have taken but is considered more potent called Abraxane.
I am sad and in shock. This grief is real. For example, I spent all afternoon yesterday crying about the lost time I likely have. I also spent time with my friend Brian in North Beach and laughed and cried and did some writing. This past weekend I hung out with my friends Danielle and Oli and we started making a bucket list for me: it was comforting to be with them and I had a good time! I went to San Diego last week for my friend Stephanie’s 50th birthday and had waves of grief wash over me as well has had a fun time with old and new friends. So, as you can see, I’m emotionally all over the map as I integrate this in and that is OK with me.
The one thing I know is I want to be intentional with the time I have left. However long that is. Being intentional while grieving is a dance that I will need to practice. I invite you to practice with me!
One step I’m taking towards acceptance of this new diagnosis is that I have asked for a referral to palliative care: they help seriously ill people with symptom management, emotional support and planning for how I want all of this to go down treatment wise, logistically, spiritually, etc. I’m not at the point of hospice now, but they can help me think through that as well.
Other unfun things on my to-list include: designating a durable power of attorney for finances and healthcare, finalizing my healthcare directive, making a list of what to do with all my stuff and outlining how I want hospice to be. I encourage you to do the same if you haven’t already. I wish I had done this sooner because now I’m grieving AND have to do this stuff vs taking care of this in a better headspace. I know that doing this now will help my family in the future so they have clear instructions and won’t have to make as many decisions while they are grieving.
My family is mobilizing to help me coordinate a longer term housing situation in the Bay Area where I can be in a 2-3 bedroom house/flat, a place where friends and family can come visit/stay and also help take care of me. If you know of anything, please let us know!
Here is how you can help right now:
1) What we are hoping for and sending into the universe/prayng/sending good intentions whatever it is that you do is that the original cancer found in my breast has mutated (because metaplastic carcinoma can change it’s pathology - it’s a tricky beast!) and that the biopsy results will show us that there are new markers that align with a medicine/medicnes that are targeted towards those markers to treat the cancer.
2) I love getting comments on the blog/texts/calls. I may not answer/respond but I still receive the love and support.
My mantra/meditation for the day:
“May I have strength for this part of the pilgrimage, peace along the way, and the presence of heart to make meaning of what I’m walking through”
I invite you to pray/mediate/contemplate this with me and also that you use this for yourself and/or others in your life and in this world.
I love you guys.
xoxoxox,
manda