The Red Savior

by amanda flaim

my mom went first: she started her chemo yesterday.

i start The Red Savior (aka A+C) today. i’m writing this in the car, with ali driving us. we are passing by oakland now (👋🏽 hi oaktown friends!)

people keep complimenting my strength and positivity and so I thought i would share another side/moment of this experience because i don’t feel like i am positive and strong all the time. and i think that is normal.

perhaps sharing the other sides of this can help someone else going through a difficult time that there are other sides to strength & positivity. i’ve noticed more often than not that working through/with the difficult emotions & thoughts help build the foundation for strength & positivity.

i have my sad and frustrated and scared moments for sure. like right now!

i feel a bit empty and tired inside today. i’m tired of going back and forth from Modesto to SF. i’m tired of being in this transient, liminal space (both physically & mentally). i’m tired of packing and unpacking. i’m tired because i didn’t sleep well last night.

i am tired of cancer.

i’m tired of my cancer. i’m tired of my mom’s cancer.

i’m tired of thinking about the road ahead of me, my mom, the rest of my family and all of my friends & loved ones that are walking this pilgrimage with us.

i feel grief about how disruptive this cancer has been to my life and those around me: it feels like my old life was nuked and the future i was dreaming about/working towards seems washed away like how a chalk drawing on a sidewalk blurs then disappears with heavy rain.

gone are the days of teaching Zen Fibers, the textile art & mindfulness class I was teaching. gone are the days of helping launch MoArt, the cool/new art school in modesto, ca. gone are the days of teaching art under the Ralph Price art grant.

at least it’s all gone for the time being.

gone are the days of feeling hopeful that first treatment would work like it has worked for so many others. did you know that there are many patients whose tumors melted away with that first treatment and it was so effective that they didn’t have to do A+C (The Red Savior).

i have this feeling that comes and goes that i am going to die from this cancer (i need to write/share more about this in a separate post) and that can be a difficult thing to sit with and say outloud. most people don’t want to hear that and flip the convo and say “just focus on the positive. the power of positivity!” but that doesn’t feel authentic to me. i think there can be a healthy way to hold scary thoughts/difficult emotions instead of avoid them.

also, i could die from this. the first treatment didn’t work. that is a real thing. at the bottom of my medical record it says:

“Problem: patient has life-threatening disease”

hopefully this next one melts the tumor away and clears my lymph nodes and hopefully the cancer doesn’t spread. but right now, the alarm bells are ringing inside my head: “alert! alert! you’re in danger! this is serious!”

if it’s one thing i’ve learned it’s that impermanence is a real thing: everything is changing all of the time even down to a cellular level! so, i know that how i’m feeling right exactly now will change.

ok, i’m signing off now. time to head on in and send a nuke right back at these cancer cells (and unfortunately my healthy cells) and blast those muther effers into oblivion. (that line of thinking/those words were taught to me and inspired my a new friend named Catie in Amsterdam that is a year ahead of me in her cancer pilgrimage).

shit is about to get real.

i could use all the thoughts and love and prayers and energy and spells and whatever else you guys do in your own way to support me, ali, heather (my dear friend who is letting us stay with her!) and my parents/family and loved ones.

My mantra/meditation for the day:

“May I have strength for the journey, peace along the way, and the presence of heart to make meaning of what I’m walking through”

Some Good News & Some Disappointing News

Where I’m At